A Letter to my Mom

I wish I could tell you everything.

I wish I could tell you how long I've felt this way. The years of self hatred, depression, wanting to disappear.

I don't like to lie to you. I never have. What is terrible about this feeling is knowing that I have been lying to you for almost 20 years.

I've tried to stay strong. For you. For my siblings. They always needed you more than I did. Or at least, that is what I told myself. So I never told you.

I want to tell you now. I want to tell you that I have wanted to disappear for years. That my depression is worse than you know. That I truly hate myself. That I can't look at myself in the mirror. That I cut myself because it helps. That some days, I really do want to die.

I want to tell you that I need you. I need you to help me. I need you to put me back together, or else, hand me the pieces that I have dropped so that I can put myself back together. I am breaking up and you don't even know. Please see.

Please, look at me. Ask me if I am okay. Because I am not. Ask me if I am happy. Because I am not.

Tell me you love me, even though I won't believe you. It will make it harder to kill myself. So tell me you love me.

And remember, through it all,

I love you.

And I am sorry I have hurt myself and hurt you in the process.